Sephiroth tumbled amid heat and shrapnel, his barrier spell barely holding against the force of the explosion that had taken him off his feet as well as destroyed half of the south kitchen wall. Tucking his head, the former General turned the tumble into a roll and came up with Blizzard-magic in hand to counterattack.
"See, Zax, I told you that you can't use a Fire spell to light the stove!"
"I told you to use a little fire, Cloud! Geez!"
Sephiroth paused, very seriously considering employing his Blizzard in a very unorthodox and quite painful method, then sighed and let the magic drain back into where it came from. Walking back into the carnage that was once their kitchen, Sephiroth stepped over the bracken to loom with perfect, icy composure over his two housemates. Cloud and Zax both stopped sniping at each other in midsentence as Sephiroth's shadow fell over them.
"You are both," he said evenly, with perfect calmness and poise, "in so much trouble."
"It was his fault!" they protested in unison, then glared at each other. Well, Cloud glared. Zax tried to glare, but within five seconds he'd broken up laughing. "Cloud blew up the kitchen!" he whooped.
"I did not!" Cloud swatted at him, and Zax of course had to retaliate, and Sephiroth gamely waded in and separated them before they could do each other serious bodily harm.
"That is enough. Both of you are at fault," he told them severely once he had their attention. Identical wide-eyed innocent looks were turned on him; Sephiroth closed his eyes in self-defense. "Zax, when you see someone about to cast Fire on a gas stove, stop them. Cloud, don't ever ever ever listen to Zax."
"Yessir," Cloud mumbled. Zax made a scoffing noise and shook Sephiroth's hand off his shoulder.
"But really," he grinned, "it's all part of making a house a home."
Sephiroth raised one perfect eyebrow at him. "Giant smoking holes in the wall are homey, then?"
"Have you seen the SOLDIER dorms?" Cloud supplied.
Sephiroth had to allow Cloud had a point, even as Zax took his revenge in the form of a halfhearted swat. "No, I'm serious. A home's not just four walls and a roof, y'know."
"Not anymore, clearly." Sephiroth spared a dry glance for the wreckage of their kitchen as Cloud, red-faced, fetched a broom in a vain attempt to impose some sort of order upon the encroaching entropy.
"It's memories, Seph," Zax persisted. "You know, like when you have little kids and you mark their height on the wall. Little dings and scrapes and quirks that give a house personality and make it yours." He spread his arms out. "We'll always remember today as when Cloud blew up the kitchen."
"I did not blow up the kitchen!"
Sephiroth caught the broom before Cloud could thwack Zax on the head with the business end. "Are you saying 'one day we'll look back on this and laugh'?"
Zax shook dustbunnies from his hair. "We might," he said defensively. "But that's not the point."
"What is?" Sephiroth prompted, as Cloud tugged sullenly on the broom.
"That it's a memory we'll share. Like when we moved in. Or when we had sex on that table." Zax jerked a thumb behind him at the kitchen table, which was round and wooden and not particularly sexy.
Sephiroth stared at him, but it was Cloud who voiced their shared thought. "We've never had sex on that table."
Zax just smirked.
***
"You're right. It was memorable."
"Mmm." Zax grinned languidly and pulled them both closer as the unsexy kitchen table creaked quietly under their combined weight. "Toldja."
"I didn't say it was pleasant," Sephiroth told him archly. "Just memorable."
"I have a splinter in my butt," Cloud complained faintly.
Zax beamed hugely. "Bah, pessimists, both of you. Me, I'm perfectly content." He kissed them, one after the other, and sighed dreamily. "I think I'm gonna like being a housewife."
"More like a puppy that isn't housebroken," Cloud muttered against his shoulder, surprising a laugh out of him.
Sephiroth lifted his head, arched his brow. "Haven't we done enough house-breaking for one day?"
Cloud reddened and Zax laughed again, head back and resting against the newly-consecrated table. Definitely going to like being a housewife.